I remember my mother
And her mothers mother
Until they all blend into
One tired heart
A pair of wrinkled hands
Shattered dreams and
Wombs taken for granted
This is my feminine heritage
Broken promises and
But the Afghan woman
Is the most resilient brilliant creation
humming of the strongest heart
That beat that jumps out of your chest
The one right before what you thought was your dying breath
Walking across borders
Crying in silence but beating our drum
To make the most beautiful song you have ever heard
I often think of the women of my tribe
That came before me
High born women called
And how my relatives today revel in the fact that
We came from nobility
If my mother did not choose my father
And if my grandmother was widowed and given nothing
And if my aunt was punished for loving a man
Nobility or not
High rank, daughters of generals
There was no honor in their upbringing.
You treated my ancestral females like
Porcelain dolls and
Beautiful to look at
But only valued for fertility.
Sociopaths, narcissists, drug addicts. Whoever it was that you dated, they all have one thing in common: making you believe you are the scummiest person on earth who doesn’t deserve shit. & that the only person who would ever be with you is them and their sick hearts.
This is exactly what I went through. I dated a drug addict who did everything he could but physically harm me: gaslighting, emotional and verbal abuse, the whole gamut of asshole things. I was told I was ugly, a whore, immoral…& that I even contributed to his drug addiction. And I believed it all. I beat myself up thinking I negatively influenced this person and I was responsible for his downfall.
I am a working graduate student in the field of mental health. I am able-bodied, I am educated, and pretty much have my shit together. But the way the sociopath keeps winning is with the repeated negative self-talk that plays in my head. His put-downs sometimes make their way into my mind and its absolutely debilitating.
& this manifests in other ways as well. A common factor I see in many females post-narcissist partner is this idea that we are undeserving of love. That we are damaged goods and that a good man doesn’t “deserve” to be with a baggage-mess like us. Just recently I spoke to a friend who had a similar past relationship, and was terrified because her new man was the total opposite.
“I’m so scared. He doesn’t deserve someone like me. It’s not fair for him. I’m not a whole person. He should be with someone fresh and alive”.
& in my friends voice I recognized my own. I myself tried to avoid the good things that would come my way. I was completely shut off to the idea that a good man would come into my life and actually WANT to handle me. But this is how these mothereffers keep winning. Even after they’re long gone.
Do not let the words of an empty shell of a person get in your head like this ladies. You are all deserving of whatever amazing things God puts in front of you. If you weren’t, it wouldn’t come your way. And maybe it hasn’t yet, but when it does, please accept these small gifts from the universe. I know its hard and I know we have so many systems and people telling us we are undeserving. People thrive off putting others down. But do not let the old words of a broken man carve into you and dictate whatever blessings were meant for you.
Uplift your sisters. Keep your eyes on the prize. And exude love. The rest will fall into place.