I Don’t Date White Men. Here’s Why I Can’t Date “Our Men” Either

Growing up in a post 9/11 world and encountering the nuances of white privilege and classism, I always knew I didn’t want to date a white guy. This wasn’t necessarily a conscious effort; I was always attracted to men of color, but after meeting some hella ignorant people, who all happened to be of the lighter shade, I knew I just couldn’t date them. They don’t get me. Everything I do or say must be because of my background, and anything different is exotic or foreign to them. My struggles are alien; they don’t know what it’s like to get questioned by TSA, every time, or to realize your professor is an asshole to you cuz his kid’s serving in Afghanistan. Today, reading Tanzila Ahmed’s  “Why I Don’t Date White Men”, that idea that I can’t date white men was reinforced, and I wholly related to and agreed with the post.

But I am still not convinced that our men are any better. In my case, Afghan-American men.

Being from the first generation, and having a huge Afghan family and network, I feel like I have a pretty good idea of the current state of Afghan-American relationships. Most people my age are ditching the traditional arranged-marriage and are trying to navigate the dating scene themselves (wear a helmet bachem). This is by no means a be-all, end-all guide to dating in the Afghan-American world. These examples are not all-encompassing. But it goes a little something like this:

If you are an outgoing, social, “modern” (I hate that word), ambitious, Afghan-American woman – honey, you better compromise. You’re trying to marry an Afghan guy? Compromise is about to be your middle name. Cuz if the white guy didn’t get your struggle, the Afghan man won’t want to.

See, some Afghan-American men are a false advertisement: he wears Ralph Lauren, drives a nice car, has an active nightlife, but has the mentality of a Talib on crack. What do I mean? Everything about him will scream “American”, “open-minded”, “accepting” “non-judgmental”, but his actions will speak louder than his Instagram page. He is just as close-minded as your cousins back home. It’s the same shit wrapped in a deceiving package. Most Afghan-American men I know pick and choose what they want from both cultures that benefit them the most, and expect their partners to bend, jump, and cartwheel into their conformist, archaic ideals of what it means to be a quintessential, coy and modest Afghan girl. They love girls who wear Western clothes, but have the same mentality as Sharbat Gula. Have ambitions? The Afghan-American man’s needs must be met, THEN ambitions and goals can be realized. He’ll reel you in by saying he’s “different than other Afghan guys” (always watch out for that, he’s most likely JUST like other Afghan guys), but really, the second you dump him, he’ll let the whole loya jirga know what happened behind close doors. And if nothing happened, you best believe he’ll lie so that something sure as hell “happened”.

Are there men that don’t fit this mold? Of course! That’s why I said “some”. The amazing Afghan men who I call my brothers are not like this. I’ve been blessed with having an amazing network of super cool Afghan dudes in my life who are the glimmer of hope in the zoo of psycho Afghan guys (i.e. Amal Mohammadi, ladies, he’s single and won’t rat you out to your parents when you break up!). But the typical Afghan, and I would go as far as saying Middle Eastern, Muslim man does not go for an ambitious or social woman. Their power is threatened, and their idea of a “good Afghan woman” is challenged.

So what you’ll get with Afghan-American men these days is a Frankenstein of different values across cultures: I drink, my girl doesn’t drink. I bang chics, my girl keeps her legs closed. I’m out till 5am, my girl better be in bed by 10pm. I got exes, but I’m my girls “first”, I can’t look like no chump! And she better never lie to me, but she can lie to her parents to see me.

And in doing so, we women compromise ourselves and our reputations at an extremely disproportionate rate than our brothers. An Afghan girl with an active dating life is bad news; who wants used goods? But the typical Afghan man has multiple exes, across religions and ethnicities (And God forbid the Afghan girls’ ex, if she dare reveal she had one, be a non-Muslim).

And how do I know that this holds truth? Because my people feel the same; my sisters and brothers. Because when I gave a presentation at the Afghan American Conference at UC Berkeley this year, the part of my speech that got a round of applause (albeit, a surprise to me), was when I stated:

“We are spreading a false narrative to our men that a perfectly modest Afghan woman will be waiting for them as soon as they’re done messing around.”

The question is, why are Afghan guys expecting a modest Afghan girl when they aren’t modest themselves?

This unequal treatment of the genders stems from how our families raise us. The boys grow up as misogynists and with superiority complexes because our women are allowing it.

Let me give you some anecdotal examples. I come from a huge family. All the boy cousins openly date and bring their non-Afghan girlfriends to every family function. My aunts dutifully and eagerly make plates of food for these girls, making sure they’re accommodated for and feel welcomed – our Persian cousins call this “duduul-tala”, or, the golden penis, the son that can do no wrong. It’s ok if Bilal had a Mexican girlfriend, but if Bilal’s sister Meena gets caught sitting with one, she’s dead. What kinda bullshit is that?

Another example. Two of my cousins were expecting babies out of wedlock at the same time. My guy cousin who got a non-Afghan pregnant got a baby shower. My girl cousin who got pregnant by a man she had been dating for almost a decade? She got disowned.

Am I calling for open season on dating? Am I asking Afghans to ditch their cultural norms of honor so that my sisters and I can swipe right on whomever we please? Hell no. I have a deep respect and admire that dating is something we cannot openly discuss with our parents; to be honest, even if my parents were super open to it, I wouldn’t want to disrespect them by throwing every guy in their face anyway. I’m a Pashtun in the end, I get the whole honor thing, even if that means living a double-identity at times. But the very least we can do is treat our sons and daughters equally. Either Bilal and Meena can both bring their boo’s, or no boo’s allowed at all.

The community often looks at those who marry outside the race with disapproving frowns. Especially if an Afghan girl marries a non-Afghan. But what did you expect? Dating an Afghan man is like signing your life away. The risks, the drama, the perception by the community is social suicide. To avoid all this, some Afghan couples are getting engaged or married very early on, without getting to know each other. This rush is done so that both parties can “keep their honor”, but in the cases I’ve seen, separation quickly follows. Who wants to be divorced at 25? Why are we suffocating our girls just for face? Do we really care that much what the community thinks, that we’d sacrifice the happiness our daughters could have with a partner that would love, support and respect them?

Yes. We do care that much. We will crucify our daughters. Because our community does not raise those loving, supportive, and respectful men I mentioned. And there are some sisters who get respect, but more often than not, they are only respected if they fit the definition of a pious Afghan, Muslim girl.

Again, I need to reiterate that this does not extend to all Afghan-American men of my generation. But my sisters talk to me. They vent their frustrations. And I see it with my own eyes. No, I won’t date white men. But our men are just as oppressive as the systems that placed white men in positions of privilege.

So I’ma take a seat in the single-girls section until I meet a man of color that isn’t a hypocrite.


Filed under Uncategorized

69 Responses to I Don’t Date White Men. Here’s Why I Can’t Date “Our Men” Either

  1. Sadaf

    This! Thank you for putting the big catch 22 of being an Afghan Girl in the US into words. I feel like things won’t change for a while because our parent’s generation allows this, although not completely their fault, they were raised with the same values. I am about to be a lawyer and feel like I will be alone the rest of my life because I am afraid to date an Afghan guy for fear of losing that “good-girl” reputation, my brothers finding out, or worse my parents finding out. The two guys that I have “talked to” have ended up have too many insecurities about either how much attention I get from other guys via comments on ig or insecurities about my high education level and soon to be career. What is a girl supposed to do? Not get it on her own. This is the struggle of living between two cultures and because at least Afghan guys understand some of it, I feel like i’m in the same boat as you– cant live with them, but cant live without them. #frustrated

  2. Nadia

    Arab men are just like this too! Preach 😉

    • JustMe

      Nadia, Arabs are totally different than Afghanis, Pakistanis or Iranis. Saudis, in general they can get married from wherever they want. Much more open minded people. All Arabs in general are like this.

      Bleeza, depends from where those white girls are… If you talk about Central Eastern Europe, definatly they are more beautiful than Afghan girls. Yes, there are beautiful girls in Afghanistan, but not in general. There is a big difference to say the majority or the minority.

      I think that Afghanis are the most conservative in that area… I’m talking about marriages with other nationalities. I’m sure between high class, there are exceptions as families are educated, travelled, open minded. A lady from a noble family from my country got married 7 years ago with a prince from last dinasty of Afghanistan. But about cases between middle class people, I didn’t hear yet… Except from Iran or Pakistan.

      • Madinah

        That’s actually so rude and racist of you to say central Eastern European women are more beautiful than afghan girls. Not an educated or thoughtful comment at all. There is no empirical data to even support that comment and beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I doubt you’ve been to every part of Afghanistan to meet every girl or every part of Eastern Europe so I’d refrain from making generalizations like that.

        • JustMe

          Infact, some people from Afghanistan look like East European! I just replay to the one who started 1st, Bleeza. It’s just an opinion. I don’t find any logical reason you attack me for expressing an opinion…except if you have some psychological problems!? I didn’t say afghan girls are ugly, I was talking about MAJORITY & MINORITY. I’m well traveled, otherwise I wouldnt comment here. The one who looks like he / she didn’t go out of his / her cage and have strange reactions seems to be you.

          • Madinah

            I don’t have psychological problems (that was a pretty lame comment from you) but rather I am offended that you’d so unabashedly come to the blog of an Afghan girl and comment that her people are not as “beautiful” as people from another region. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and my people have been dehumanized for far too long, that I won’t take any put-downs about them, even if it is something as superficial as looks. Excuse me while I go back into my little cage you mentioned.

          • Veena

            The beauty comparison was inappropriate and disrespectful. Trying to insult someone by claiming they have psychological problems is also inappropriate. I hope that instead of lashing out, you will take some time to figure out why those words are a problem.

        • FudgeJar

          I just find it ironic how you want empirical data, yet calling the Afghan – American guys out had no empirical support whatsoever?

        • JarJar

          Tried to reply before, I guess you moderated me into silence. If you can’t take critiscism then why make a public blog? First off, if you are asking for empirical evidence from someone else because of their absurd comments, then why are you saying things about Afghan men without evidence? Is that not a generalization? But may be to you anecdotes are considered valid statistics…

      • Al

        Talk about internalized white supremacy lmao…

        Also your comparisons of Afghanistan to these other INTACT countries is completely incoherent. Current day Afghanistan is war torn, impoverished, etc. therefore a gateway to all these other extreme cultural, humanitarian, economic, social and political issues. If you want to compare “who has it worse” I can gladly bring up the hundreds of cases of honour violence and what have you in those countries. Countries that haven’t seen war, who haven’t been bombed back to the stone age. What’s their excuse? These double standards are issues in almost every muslim community. So careful, your prejudice is showing.

      • Nadia

        I am Palestinian and I have to 100% disagree with you. I grew up with arab men and they are a lot like the Afghan men Madinath mentioned. This isn’t so much about nationality (although Palestinians want their kids to marry other Palestinians and other nationalities the same ). But I see arab men have a million ex girlfriends party drink fool around and then demand a perfect covered up 18 year old when they are done having fun. Or talk about how religious they are and judge other Arab women yet have a half naked nonmuslim girlfriend and keep their sisters on such a tight leash. It’s disgusting.

      • Nadia

        Oh and by beauty you mean blonde hair and blue eyed right? Lol “oh some afghan women look like eastern European women”..we know what you are hinting with that. don’t get the middle eastern male obsession with eastern European girls when we have the most beautiful women in the world. but people never appreciate what they have anyways

        • Kubra

          Nadia, I completely agree with yoh. Growing up around middle Eastern people of all kinds of ethnicities, I realize how obsessed middle eastern men are with eurocentric looking middle eastern women. Its disgusting to see this even as someone who is typically mistaken for white, because it tells me that they do not love their heritage and want people who don’t look like the typical middle eastern. Appreciation really is out the door as you said.

  3. Fridoon

    The problim with afghan girls and most of islamic girls in europa and USA is that either they dont date and and depressed themselves not doing that or they gangbang the whole club in a single night! they must keep balance like most european girls does. find a good guy no matter what kind of color and stay loyal to them…

  4. Pashtun

    “Honor” is simply the morality of superior men. You can’t just privilege yourself with it because you are a pashtun. Nothing about you, your family and people around you is honorable because nothing they have done or taught you can be called honorable. Think about it my dear “pashtun”!

    • Madinah

      When did I say I was honorable bc I’m Pashtun lol. Relax! You’re misunderstanding the message and IDK why you’re so mad lol.

  5. Tamim

    There is a reason Afg guys look outside the race. Afg girls are losers. Why would we want to deal with girls who treat culture and religion as a buffet they can choose from? When it comes to finances then they start quoting Quranic verses about men paying for everything. When it comes to dressing like street walkers they quote sex and the city. GTFO white girls are better looking and more understanding partners. I’ve been happily married to one for 15 years and tell all afg guys to follow suit and ditch these mustached hags.

    • Madinah

      Ok first of all, did you make a whole email address just for this site? I applaud your effort lol. Secondly, I’m glad you’re happy with your white wife! But not all Afghan girls are the way you describe them to be. I sure as hell am not a loser, and I don’t quote the Quran to get someone to pay for my bill. So really you just sound angry and jaded maybe? Thanks for your input!

    • Bleeza

      Well my BF think Afghan girls are prettier and way more respectful. He hates white girls. So I guess it’s how you treat people. You saying afghan girls are ugly is stupid. There are ugly girls of every race. There are beautiful girls of every race. But you know one things that makes someone ugly vs. beautiful. Their attitude.

  6. Mehri

    As an afghan from a small Canadian city, it is so interesting to read your insights about culture and identity. Afghans really are the same everywhere. I’ve never lived in a city with a large afghan population or met a second generation afghan! I wonder if you find that there are still ethnic lines that divide the afghan community (in terms of relationship, romantic or otherwise) in the US?

    • Madinah

      Hi love! ABSOLUTELY there are divisions along ethnic lines. I had a friend who called off an engagement because her Herati father-in-law didn’t accept her because she was Pashtun. It still happens, and it’s disgusting unfortunately.

      • Bleeza

        Exactly what happened to me after 6 years of being with an Uzbek. After the marriage he called me crying about her being rude to his parents. Karma. Universe has a way of balancing things.

  7. Bleeza

    I met a white guy in July. I am in love with him. He has been so much nicer than the Afghan guy I spent 6 years being loyal to who got married to a good little 16 year old virgin sweetheart fromAfghanistan. He broke my heart. I was the most faithful female. All I learned from that relationship was that race and religion have nothing to do with being a good human. I am realizing that a man who loves you can be of any race, as long as he loves you truly and whole heartedly you will never be sad again. My Afghans can disown me hate me. I don’t care. The gangbang comment proves how gross the Afghan males thinking can get. Do you go to clubs for gang banging? I used to go to dance and have with my friends. Not to gang bang. Now that I have a loyal man who gives me his time and his compassion, I naturally just spend time talking to him and being in his company. True story. Race religion are labels. Learn to live without labels. Magical things happen.

  8. gharib

    I guess it is an Afghan cultural taboo, this whole Afghan girls have to be good girls and all, no parent would want a hoe for a daughter. I understand your point as to how the boy’s in the family are treated differently and agree with you that Bilal shouldn’t bring his Mexican boo to the table.
    As the ‘ghairat’ is not really dependant on the boy’s actions in the family, they enjoy their freedom while it lasts.
    Anyway, it’s all cultural, something Afghans find hard to let go of.

  9. S.S

    First and foremost I would like to say that I agree with this article. I’m a afghan guy. 18 years old and I move to the USA from turkey at the age of 9 years old. I have not dated a girl and done anything with a girl because I like to maintain my innocence even though it is very difficult to do in our current society. I know how afghan guys act, because I have meet them and I must say that this article describe them perfectly. I’m one of those rare individual that she describe as a man of color that isn’t a hypoctric. The reason I came to this article was that I needed knowledge about how to date an afghan girl. I like this girls and she doesn’t like afghan guys because they are such hypocrites and I wanna show her that I’m not one of them. I have my father to thank for that. I wanna treat her with respect, trust, love that she deserves.
    I’m very glad I came upon this article because now I have gained insight about what most good afghan girls think about afghan guys. excuse my poor grammar and thank you very much for writing this article.

    • Madinah

      Thank you so much for reading! I’m happy you were able to take away positivity from this article. I’m so happy you are encouraged to treat a woman with respect 🙂 sending u good thoughts

  10. Preachin to the Choir

    Hi Madinah,

    Thank for writing this great article. I was just curious about your take on platonic friendships or acquaintanceships with white males. I know that gender and racial politics can factor into any type of relationship,but do you think it`s to the same extent as romantic (or potentially romantic) relationships. I`d be curious to hear your thoughts on the subject, Thanks so much!

    • Madinah

      Hi!!! I’m sorry this response is so late. I don’t see anything particularly oppressive or dangerous about platonic friendships with white males. But romantic relationships carry a whole new set of implications and I think thats where I find myself a little unwilling to engage in one. Hope that makes sense!

      • fwhs

        Hi! Thanks for your reply. Yes, your explanation does make sense. I come from a similar background as you and I share your views that platonic friendships with white males aren’t particularly oppressive or dangerous but that romantic relationships carry a different set of implications. However, that being said, I personally still wouldn’t rule out a relationship with a white guy as long he’s open minded and does not hold racist or biased views. I just feel like I’d need to tread carefully until I really know him. Still, it’s hard to get to that stage when I’m all too aware about the racial and gender dynamics and what seems to be a power in balance between white men and women of color.Whenever I try to talk about these things with other people, they usually think I’m imagining things or just plain ol’cray or ” delusional”lol. Do you ever get that reaction?

        I came across this blog called the Jasmine diaries which articulates how I feel some (racist and sexist) white guys (and women) may view women of color and the effect that it has on women of color. I’ve included the link below. I’d love and would really appreciate to hear what you think about it.Thanks again!


  11. You hit the nail on the head with this one! Bravo Madinah! Your blog posts are so well written and I look forward to reading them 🙂 You are the voice of many afghan girls 🙂 Keep up the awesome work.

  12. HSW

    Madinah, this article does relate a lot to how Afghan men behave in Australia. It’s interesting to observe how our community reacts differently based on the gender. If a Afghan male commits a bad act, then it’s shrugged off and no one will pay that much attention to it. Whereas, with Afghan females, people will open their ears wide and talk negatively about her.

    You truly speak what is in my mind and I respect you for not being afraid of getting your voice out there.

  13. UK Tamim

    Bwahah look at these male white knights and feminazis. Quran predicted this day when women of our deen would want to act and dress like men and have no honor instead of obeying the book and men in her life. To the author, maybe Allah cursed you with baldness for following feminism which is from atheists that reject God.

  14. shuhul

    Guys and girls afgahn men or afghan girls white men or white lady …race n religion doesn’t matter in love … Yes the way u have been brought up ur family culture does matter but when love sinks Deep In both of ur hearts it breaks all these barriers .. U face breakup and sadness that’s because of ur karma .. Check astrology if ur love will aiccecd or no … It predicts ur future.. It jus helps u to be aware of ur forthcoming misfortunes .. The wise, intelligent and learned one will never face a sudden unforseen situation or obstacel.. Be forewarned and live happily ever after

  15. alen

    your just a little whore ! you dont like afghan men neither white so dont lie all this to date niggers ! lol like they wiull treat u better stupid bitch dont u ever call ur self afghan little cunt !

  16. Pashtana

    Hi madina jan m Afghan girl and i myself have witnessed all the situation you have written in this article this is best piece i have read so far on your blog keep up the good work appreciate thanks alot for writting on this topic actually thing is they cant deal with more ambitious or career based girl they want maid nothing else i thought i was only one about whome whole loya jirga would know but no its just what they do

  17. Tom Stevens

    What’s wrong with white men? I’m white and I’ve date an Afghan girl before. She was a nice girl but because of a misguided attempt to keep the blood “in the family” she felt very guilty. This idea needs to stop. Not only is it biologically limited but as you said you are dooming Afghan women to be in male-dominated relationships where they will never realize their potential.

  18. Shawna

    Hey! I’m currently dating an afghani man and he has mentioned to me in meeting his parents one day and that even if they don’t accept me he doesn’t care and he’ll always take my side. I’m a black female by the way and I’m revert to Islam before I met him.. I was just curious is it possible that I could be one of those “experiments” before he gets his perfect afghan girl? The last thing I want is a broken heart and I do feel like he’s the one. I just can’t shake the feeling based off of many stories and experiences that I’ve read that he’s just using me to pass the time then he will find someone else that his parents approve of.. I’m absolutely terrified of this fait..

    • Madinah

      Hi sweetie, I just saw this. Off the bat I’d say stand by him because he said he’ll always take your side. But don’t shake off any gut feelings and make sure he is committed!!! Wishing you luck, stay positive <3

    • khorasani-persian

      YAAAAS GIRRRRLLLLLL, if hes with you i doubt hes gonna want an afghan gurl, trust me if he wanted an afghan he wouldnt have gone for you in the first place. Omg i want to see your babies after your married <3 . <3

  19. DrGreen

    Hi Madinah, this was a great read! As an Afghan guy, I have to agree with pretty much everything you have mentioned. I have encountered many Afghan guys who, unfortunately, are playing around even when they are dating Afghan women. It bothers me that these boys feel that they deserve a modest women. Many of them do not seize many of the opportunities available to them such as higher education. I have a young sister, and would never want her to end up with an ungrateful guy, rather have her single. Nevertheless, I have huge respect for Afghan women. Afghan ladies, don’t sell yourself short, you deserve the best because you are the best.

  20. Bahara

    I am Afghan Hazara and my traditional parents want me to marry a Hazara just like ourselves. Tbh, this is such a ridiculous request because where I live(Canada), there are about 4000 hazaras IN GENERAL! That includes men, woman and children of every age group. Let’s say about 10% of that population are Hazara young men of my age group. That means that I have 400 people to choose from and not even taking into account that they would want me back. All that is not even including if I am attracted to them, how smart they are, how kind/respectful they are. Honestly I love my afghan heritage and would love to marry another afghan but this is ridiculous!

    • Dan

      This is a serious question. Would you be open to marrying a Bangladeshi? I live in Toronto, Canada.

      • Leo

        Well, he should be open to marrying a Bangladeshi! Now Bangladeshi women are of a different caliber altogether. With beautifully tanned skin tone, an open mindset and cultural norms, they’re the dream. A Bangladeshi women is neither your typical South East Asian belle, nor the shy Middle Eastern and neither the liberated Westener, Bangladeshis form a club of their own!

        Coming from a Spanish guy married to the love of my life, a gorgeous Bengali for 15 years 🙂

  21. Ajmalo

    I find afghan women very attractive. Let there be a spunky afghan beauty in the cards …. I am not like your average afghan guy lol I am very moderate in my religion and seeking the same in Canada. I would never compare a white woman to my own afghan. But if I don t find one soon I’m gona have to make a decision lol

  22. As a ‘working class but privileged’ white blond who has had racist **** (comments & actions) for having a colour’ed girlfriend before,
    if the love two Humans have isn’t all consuming enough to by-pass “environmental factors” then it is probably not love, because love conquers all!
    their are far to many ignorant horrible white men in this world, but then again their are far too many horrible men (more then women, funny thing that!). its UN-fortunate you must have met a lot of them in succession, but not all ripped covers are bad books.
    all i can say is i wish you luck on finding that someone who you can really say you love & understands how to turn your tears to smiles (even if they look like an older mick Hucknall !) x ….i think its what most people search for.

  23. Oz

    Continue spewing your satanic feminist poison. There’s a special place in hell for women like you who misguide masses of Muslim women. It’s betrayal to your culture to hate afghan men so much. This is just an excuse for you to date the black men that ALL afghan women love.

    The double standard also exists for women. Women will date a boatload of whites and blacks then want a decent Muslim man to marry. Your entire premise is based on opinion and not fact. To say that white men aren’t sensitive to your struggle as a person of color is completely a generalization and to say that all black men are is also false.

    Muslim men may be strict but at least they understand how sacred marriage is and will work on it rather than splitting as soon as things go sour. Face it, your worship your desires and want unlimited freedom to dress how you want, have guy friends, go out whenever you want and live life as a single woman even after you’re married that’s why you hate Muslim men for marriage.

    • Madinah

      Obviously this is based on opinion, it’s my personal blog! Duh LOLLLL. And no one said the double standard doesn’t exist for women. U just sound like you’re projecting and you’re a little sensitive 🙂

  24. Sidra

    Honestly, i would never date a white guy. First of all, im attracted to desi guys anyway. Secondly, the vast majority of white men and women only use toilet paper to wipe their shit. Even more gross is that many women use the same piece of toilet paper to wipe their vagina and butt. I cant imagine engaging in any sexual relations with anyone who doesnt rinse the area with water. It’s literally like tasting someones rotted shit. I think Islam is made up, but the rinsing privates with water is definitely one very good thing about Islamic culture.

    And i do agree with you that there is a double standard. Personally, as a Pakistani, i have never seen any parents being cool with bringing a girlfriend over. Its just something that stays hidden until she is presented as a potential fiance. Even then many families do pressure the guy to break it off and marry someone from their own culture.

    It sucks that the standards are stricter for women, but the fact is, even in American culture, a girl that “sleeps around” is looked upon less favorably than men who do the same thing.

    At the end, i still want to end up with a guy from the Muslim culture (but not fundamentally religious). I feel like muslim men are more motivated to provide girls with a commitment. And definitely its very rare to see a Muslim guy fathering a child with a Muslim lady without marriage. Even though im pretty much just muslim by name, i do like that marriage is heavily valued in the muslim culture. I would much rather have the stability of marriage than a string of live in relationships culminating in desperation to find a potential father for a child before my fertility ends. Or the other scenario which we see in America a lot…women have children out of marriage and wait around for a commitment and never get one. Meanwhile they reach their late 30s and their market value is virtually zero while the guy still has so many girls vying for him. It is all a game of biology and social expectations…everyone should realize the pros and cons of their respective situation and play accordingly.

  25. Dan

    Have you tried Bangladeshi men? They are very liberal. Plus they really like Afghan women.

  26. Wahid

    Madinah u need god in your life real bad with ur disgusting mind set

  27. Jamal Afghanzai

    Wtf is this shit? Who is this writer and who does she think is trying to speak for Afghan women? Afghan women do NOT date outside their race period, they are the most loyal to Afghan men. Honestly you have dirty mind, learn more about Islam.

  28. Jamal Afghanzai

    You are a disgusting whore and do not represent Afghan women at all!

  29. khorasani-persian

    I expected like a billion afghan men that are gonna fully hate haha, im afghan pashtun tooo!!!! and as much as i LOVE my culture im going to share that with someone that isnt afghan or persian even (afghan, iranian, kurdish) I would love to marry a MUSLIM black or white man or even algerian/moroccan. Thats just my preference. Hamdoulelah my parents arent hella strict on me marrying a afghan pashtun and nor are they expecting it cause ive already told them:).

    To whoever said european women are better looking then afghan women, LOOL hun have you been to afghanistan ? our women LOOK european we are the exotic version of europeans so please stop haha, thats why not all afghan men are crazy about white women its only arab men that want a blue eyed blonde hair wife. Back in afghanistan 90% of pashtun females and males have blue/green/ grey/ hazel eyes. White /tan / brown exotic skin . Blonde/brunnette/black / red/ ginger hair!!! yes we do! ive seen it with my own eyes!! so PLEASE loool we have it all you cant compare us to anything apart from black people ofcourse :’D


  30. zubair

    Hi Madinah, I just want to know how important is religion(Islam) to you and other Afghan sisters like you who are brought up in the west?

  31. These double standards that your article highlights are something that frustrates me to no end. Unfortunately, changing the perception and understanding of so many people would take forever, but it is something that is essential if we want to progress as a people and not remain oppressive or backward-minded. We should celebrate the rich and beautiful aspects of our culture, as opposed to drown the beautiful with the ugly.

    Alhamdulillah, I am in a long term loving relationship with a (black) man who I bond with on a deeper, spiritual level. We both have the intention of completing our sacred union with marriage after we finish studying in university. Race and culture should NOT be an issue.

Leave a Reply